On Soulmates

My first blog in a while. I have been quite busy, though happy.

Soulmates.
1.) What are they.
2.) Do you believe in them?

*Disclaimer: may contain religious tangents.
Additional disclaimer: I do not follow any set format for this, I am writing as I surmise.

Abstract: I make lists. I sometimes define things. I make suppositions. HOWEVER, I do ultimately make an assertion, so you may want to skip to that if you hate mental meanderings.

I assume a soul mate is someone that you are "supposed" to be with.
But I still maintain a few ideas of what it could mean in addition to that.
-Someone you were born to be with.
-Someone who fits you perfectly.
-Someone who completes you.
-Someone who makes you into a better person.
-Someone divinely appointed to be with you.
etc.

There could probably be any combination of all of the above in any one person's idea of what a soul mate is.

Here are a few additional thoughts I have entertained.

I believe the archetypical idea of what a soulmate is can be defined something like this... "someone, as in one person, who is also on the planet Earth that is 100% your perfect match." 
This idea can hold a variety of interpretations as well, such as:
-Do you believe that no matter what you are going to end up with that person? Most people would disagree with this, for safety's sake alone.
-What if that person falls in love, or gets stuck in a relationship that they fail to get properly exit? Or what if youdo those things? Does that mean that your soulmate is left high and dry?
--Side note: what if that person is significantly older or younger than you are, and circumstances prevent proper interaction?
-What if you fail to meet this person? (through various reasons)
-What if your soul mate died? (I have entertained the notion, and written somewhat extensively on the possibility).


Ultimately, I believe that many would assert a soulmate is not actually limited to being a single individual.
Ironically, the name kind of implies one person.
However, there is then the notion of how many soul mates does one have?

I, myself, am somewhat more reserved. Someone with a more extraverted personality may be inclined to believe that there are a plethora of individuals that could qualify as being a "soul mate." So where do you draw the line?
Are there 3?
Are there only 5 on the planet at any given time and they repopulate in order to maintain equilibrium?
Do different people have different numbers of plausible soul mates? (Meaning I have only 3, but one of those 3 has a list of 12) ?


I feel that this sort of argument is invalid based on absurdity.

Instead of focusing on who is the soul mate, I want to articulate my thoughts on what a soulmate is.

-Born to be with. I think you can throw this one out the window, look at all the unhappy marriages and divorce rate in America alone. 

-Fits you perfectly has a little bit more merit. 
It feels a little bit more realistic, though perhaps a tad less idealistic. People can fit each other perfectly. I've seen it. Sometimes its through similarity, and sometimes it is through compatibility. (this ties directly in to the other possible answer of 'someone who completes you') Sometimes people fit together because they're different and they fulfill parts of you that are missing.
I am far more inclined to feel that this aspect is contained within the identity of a soulmate.

-Makes you into a better person.
Interestingly, I feel that this aspect isn't required. DONT GET ME WRONG HERE. All I want to say is that being better, or worse, that you were before is an opinion. I think a soulmate is someone that will make you feel better.

Before I finish, I'll touch on whether or not God determines your soul mate. But it will require a whole new list.
-Does God determine every course of event for your life, or do you have choice?
--If you believe in free will, you can't really claim that everyone has a singular soulmate. Sometimes people choose to commit suicide. Or sometimes babies are aborted. Did that baby have a soulmate? Did someone abort my soul mate?
--What if I miss the opportunity to meet my soulmate because of some choice I made, like being shy?

-Do you believe that God is supposed to grant you a soulmate.
--What if God's plan for my life doesn't include a spouse?
--What if God planned my life to be as solitary as it is because I am basically preparing for a life alone? And what if that somehow ties in with my destiny? (Destiny's are an entire subject I won't get into right now ><)


Ultimately I conclude this:
Soulmates are not limited to being any number of people. What a soulmate is... is an ideal. There are multiple facets to what makes your soulmate your soulmate, kind of like a diamond. Or an onion.
No person's soulmate is someone elses soulmate. People are people, and people are different. No people are the same.
So, and heres the kicker...
Having a soulmate is a state of mind.


I'm sure we've all heard someone claim that they have a soulmate before. Try and think about all of the times you've believed them when they've said it (or you've believed yourself when you've said it). That is essentially what I am trying to encapsulate.


My apologies for my long-windedness and my lack of proper grammatical structure.


A song:Coolio - Gangster's Paradise

Everyone is broken

a blog to outline my hopes and expectations:
(and fears).

I need to learn more about God and the Bible.
I know there is no way to know God, per se. But I wish to know.. more of him. I guess.

So, I want to really get legit and read through a couple of translations of the Bible simultaneously.

I want to do this in a specific manner. Namely, in silence.
I could write an entire blog about silence, but I don't think I will. I'll just briefly cover that here.

Silence is Golden. I wish I could come up with words like that. A large part of my entire life is spent in silence, I am quiet. I actually got somewhat physically ill because of having to speak so much during student teaching. But I got over it.
When you just take the time to shut the hell up, and listen to what is going on. (What people are saying, what is happening around you), you are able to actually see a lot more.
I feel like God is more present in my life when I am quiet. It is like we have another sense, or another eye that can only be opened/realized during silence.
(in a nutshell)

So I want to travel. I want to go somewhere quite far away. And I want to be silent. And I want to study the Bible. I am thinking France. Or New Zealand. Or somewhere in South America. Spend like a month or two over a summer (because I won't be teaching or in grad school), and just listen.. essentially.

I felt like a blog was the best place for me to outline this a little bit permanently.
Yeah!

a dirge

Nothing I have ever thought,
That I still believe.

Nothing I will ever do,
That can make a difference.

Nothing I could ever say,
That will make me mean "forever."

Fond, but not in love.
Doleful, but not forlorn.

I, my friends, am already dead.
And I died not long ago.

A book full of death

I am actually quite happy with this blog. I reread a few of my entries and this little e-diary has fulfilled its purpose quite well. Its purpose being to get my thoughts out of my head, put somewhere visible, and then to be analyzed.
It is difficult to sort through your own problems or analyze your own thoughts when you have to do it all in your head. I don't know about other people, but my brain is running 120 mph even while I lie sleeping. So trying to label, direct, assess and apply my thoughts is nigh impossible to do properly or productively solely in my head.

Being happy can often be an ephemeral or misunderstood thing.

I don't really have much else to expound upon. I guess I just wanted to state my appreciation for something like this, and maybe spend some time reveling in my current mood.

That being done, a song:
Audioslave - Like a Stone
You must listen to this song for the guitar solo.

you are already dead.

I will use this time and space to express a few of my thoughts as I begin to wrap up my final semester of my undergraduate life.

I have two weeks left in my second placement. Each week is only four days long since we get this Friday off and next Monday off as well because of Easter. This means I have eight days of teaching left. This statistic is a fairly frightening one.
I will graduate here within a few weeks as well. I will quote myself by indicating that the thought of graduation and moving into my next stage of life invokes a sort of 'primal fear' within me. Not necessarily that I am afraid, but rather that I am just... nervous. It is a major transitional time of life, and as such I am hesitant toward the future.

I think well of my past, I have few true regrets. But I do tend to nostalgically reflect on my former self. By that I mean that I analyze things that I have done or that have happened to me. I once found myself depressed because I was looking through my high school yearbook. I saw people I knew currently, but I saw them as their high school selves. I saw myself in high school disguise, and I hated it. High school was an emotionally vexing and trying time of my life. (I am only rambling about this because I am currently sitting in a high school and it is near impossible not to apply it to myself).
I spend a lot of time thinking about how awesome I would have been if I could have gone back and redone it.

However, I do not quite feel regret for my high school experience because it yielded the result of who I am today, which I am more than satisfied with.
Speaking of regret, I feel like regret can be one of the worst emotions a person can experience. I am not talking about something like, "Oh I wish I had gotten the soup because that looks delicious" or even like "I wish I hadn't just hit my finger with that hammer." I am talking about the true, burning regret that sears into your soul.
When you regret, your entire body shuts down and only your mind functions purely to maintain the ability to drown in your lamentation. (I really love that word, Lamentation). Regret, I feel, can rival heartache for the capability of consuming a person's entire being.
I don't wish to make anyone dwell on regrets, or even the thought of what regrets could be, especially myself.

I don't really wish to spend much more time meandering around listlessly through my thoughts, because it can be burdening.
Here is a song from a new band I heard about. The Green Children - Skies on Fire

I wouldn't like me, if I met me.

This blog will center around two analogies.

I will do my best not to ramble. I aim to stay on track, present my thoughts in an organized and logical sequence, and end it at an appropriate length.

The first is the comparison of intellection to mental health, and how I am interacting with them.

I feel that throughout my educational experience I was simply listening to information, processing it briefly, and then forgetting the majority of it. However, recently it appears that every little thing sticks. As I teach class I remember the large majority of the information I have to teach, even if it is from my previous placement, and even minor details. So I have come to a relative conclusion that this retention comes from my age and my maturity. I have reached a sort of mindset that allows for active and successful … learning.

I compare and directly apply this to my mental health.

I used to have difficulty maintaining proper cognitive wellbeing. Throughout school, I would provide these temporary fixes that coincide with my brief processing and then forgetting of knowledge-based information. My temporary fix for mental struggles would revolve around establishing what I thought was my answer and then relying upon it exclusively. Naturally, I would have reached either some skewed or misguided conclusion that wouldn’t provide any long lasting stability.

However, lately my endeavors for meditation and philosophy have been having more profound effects upon my psyche. I feel better. I feel healthier emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually.

The second analogy is a comparison of how society views social interactions (specifically relationships) and religion (more specifically how people view their relationship with God).

So, society views relationships in a strange way. We are taught how to interact with the opposite sex. We are taught that men do this, women do that, and if the other gender isn’t doing X then they want/mean Y. Ultimately, we have expectations. Similarly, we follow guidelines for how we think about relationships. I see often that women will throw away everything in order to stay in a state of abuse. There are numerable psychological reasons for this that I won’t bother getting into. Also, men waste time and do things with and in relationships that similarly promotes a cycle of bad relationships. And so ultimately the way we view relationships, get into relationships, and how we interact within relationships 

is all decided by society.

How I apply this to religion is less direct.

There are also different ways that this can be carried out. For instance it can be taught, church X may have lots of sermons about the power of the devil, and as a consequence, the congregation may begin to assume that anything bad comes from the devil. This leads the Christian to ignore the fact that God puts us in our situations and that tribulation and for survival and growth. Also, I get the feeling that a lot of Christians lose sight of the little workings of God that can oftentimes be major. I’ve seen God at times when I felt like I had been betrayed because I was denied something I really want. By that, I mean that I soon after realized that God had been doing something for me in those times, and it was far better for it.

We as humans, and I’ll often feel like myself especially, will be very down on ourselves, our world, and God. I wrote a blog or two ago about how we as humans so often feel like we deserve something, we want a specific outcome and if we are denied it we feel cheated. I can’t imagine that this behavior is anything other than negative; humans’ base nature is selfish though and so that is as unavoidable as sin.

I guess this blog is a little bit of a rant, because I have a lot of confidence in humanity at times. Or maybe hope is a better word.

Hope runs the entirety of my existence.

A song to send us off: Radiohead: Lotus Flower (I love how weird Thom Yorke is)

Give me my wings

We, as humans, feel like we deserve things.

Often, we really only feel like we deserve something good. While similarly we know that we deserve something bad. I think this reflects the Christian virtues of self-control and moderation.
We rarely legitimately know that we deserve something good, but instead hope for it. As opposed to when we are certain we have sinned and are suffering at the hands of our own transgressions.

That was simply a deviation that my mind pursued while I considered the more specific implications of my first statement.



Out of a Christian context, people think they deserve so much. We aspire to glory and fame, we believe our actions warrant just reward. We have an entire Judicial system based around these principles. People sue because they were injured, or were denied child support, etc. Similarly, we give rewards for the donation of plasma (Not that I am against this). People inherently do not like giving up things they own, or being refused things they want to own.
People are selfish. There is no denying that.
It is sickening to watch sometimes. It can destroy people. It can destroy oneself or someone can destroy others. And I mean 'destroy' in the most intense and powerful way it can be expressed, because self-seeking can do that.

I really want to tangent there, so I may briefly. No, I won't. I might save it for another blog. But I will say, however, that sometimes someone's selfishness can destroy someone else, and in doing so, witnessing it can harm someone entirely separate (their opinion or relationship with either destroyer or destroyed)


I understand that God's glory and humanity's true reward lies in heaven. This is going to appear on the surface as a lamentation, but it is more of a meditation.

How to begin...
God created humanity. We live our lives to glorify God. Yet we are supposed to live this life. Why are we made to live this life? I think I understand the importance of the choice, decision, and devotion, etc.

But I also believe that we, as humans, have the capacity to enjoy this life.
By this I do not mean enjoy life as a non-believer would, indulgent and carnal. But true joy found in the beauty of the world.
So we have the capacity, and I believe that God would not create this capacity (or give us the desire) to be happy without a means to fulfill it.

Now.. I think this next part could be misinterpreted, by a reader or most certainly by myself while I write it. I'll try and be careful.
The way to achieve this happiness that we are capable of having is through God. By seeking through other means, people lose sight of what the true happiness is. Our own will perverts our actions and thoughts so quickly. (A dilemma in and of itself is knowing if we are seeking through God or not, since we cannot truly know). But we must keep our focus on God, His will, and what is right.

So, stay on God's path. That requires a lot of denial that completely puts following our own (more corporeal) desires out of the picture. But we still have the sense of desire for things like love and contentedness, or even efficacy. I, again, believe that we are created with this desire and that it is not put there without reason.
So, ( a third reiteration), we have this desire -> this desire is good and God put it there -> it can be fulfilled as long as we seek it through God.

I find that herein lies a dilemma for a lot of Christians. Seeking things through God requires sacrifice and ... basically subservience. I don't mean that in a negative fashion in the least. Maybe devotion is a better word. Sacrifice and devotion.

These two things, sacrifice and devotion, breed a sense of.. justification? As in, "Well, I am sacrificing, I deserve X" or "I am devoted, I deserve X".
So in a way, Christians can often feel like they deserve things in the exact way other people do. I did this good thing, I deserve that. I didn't do this bad thing, I deserve that.
So all of the world has this dilemma, Christians may refine it into something else, but that doesn't mean it isn't there. In ways, it can be worse. Because Christians can justify their selfishness in that way. When I dwell too deeply on it, I become rather despondent.

I guess I'll leave that discussion alone for now. There isn't much there that hasn't been said before, or isn't observable to any person.


It is kind of funny because I didn't want to make this one really long intricate question, because what is the point of that? And I didn't want to pretend like I had some kind of answer, because I don't.
And I thought about saying, "Well I'm no teacher", which is comical because I am literally sitting at my desk at CHS. It turns out that Cleveland has free wifi and that this blogging website isn't blocked.
So we have an hour and a half for planning, and nothing legitimate to do this early on in my placement. So I have spent it philosophizing, which it turns out is a real word.
And I disproved my recent theory that it takes me hours to write a blog with any sort of sustenance, because this one has taken me less than half an hour, and I feel like it has relative quality. (Ok maybe its been like an hour)

To end this, I'll link the song that kind of sent me on this mental marauding.
Oddly enough, its a Tool song. (I am at school so I can't see if this is a good youtube video or not since it is blocked.) (I have used far FAR too many parentheses in this blog, forgive my abuse of our beautiful language).
10,000 Days (Wings pt. 2)

words, and why I can't say them.

Comically, this blog has been sitting devoid of all life save the title for over an hour.

Serious in-depth self analysis is one of the scariest things someone can do.
For me, it isn't so much as you see things you don't like as it is I see things that I fear. Analytical appraisal of one's self can provide knowledge and understanding. This is invaluable. However, this wisdom often comes only in small bits, rarely all at once, and sometimes rather convoluted.
I'd like to imagine that I understand myself fairly well, I spend a lot of my time thinking and assessing my thoughts and actions. Yet I still find that I am rather unexplainable, perhaps what I mean by this is that I can't ever properly voice my thoughts.

I just took a five or so hour hiatus in order to work on my resume, take a nap, shower, and eat a second breakfast.

To continue briefly on my previous sentiments, I have been doing a form of self-analysis that I haven't before.  I am talking a lot with other people and empathetically analyzing with them. And once or twice I have projected the analysis I am doing with them onto myself, and the results were mystifying. An example: I was thinking about how people can misconstrue what a relationship is, or means, prior to being in one. Let me rephrase that, people will want something for the wrong reasons, or at least not entirely think it through. When I put that lens onto myself, I realized some startling things that I didn't want to explore much further.

Self-evaluation can lead to knowledge, but it can also deceive. Perhaps it is a tool, but in that regard, it could be dangerous. We as humans are finite, and cannot know everything. Often, during reflection, I'll think I have it figured out, when in reality I do not.
All being said, I continue to stumble along the dark edge of insanity that is understanding.


Not understanding is very frustrating. Being confused or unsure is one of the worst dilemmas a human can entertain.
I'm not even talking about confusing yourself, like I was throughout the rest of this blog.
I mean how we, as humans, confuse each other.
A lot, if not all of it, stems from selfish dishonesty. We hide our feelings or our intents from each other in order to preserve some sense of power, in a way. Because anyone that understands our motivations holds authority over us. It may not be to the extent that someone holds authority, as much as we lose our own authority; we become weaker.
Once people enter a state of trust, or some other similar social contract, then they can achieve a rapport founded on confidence. This provides for less senses of confusion and misunderstanding. Especially when that honesty continues into further dialogue and explanation.

I've always wished people would trust each other.
But I also spent all of my life not trusting anyone besides myself.

Its hard putting your trust in someone. Because people are people, and people fail. It is a fact. And it really has to be taken into account for most everything.
How often have we as humans put our deepest trust into another individual only to have it betrayed in some fashion, be it movements in the opposite direction, or a simple shaking of foundation. You may trust someone, but then they show that their trust was false.
People will do things for their own benefit, and that may often involve putting up a facade to establish a trusting relationship with another. Then, as soon as the costs outweigh the benefits of that relationship, the individual with move in another selfish direction that is contrary to the previously established trust. It is a vile process, and I see it every day. I will cynically, and often falsely, think I see it in others' relationships. But luckily this is not always the case, because my interpretations are often wrong.

The other form of breaking of trust i went into, a shaking of foundation, can be just as bad as being stabbed in the back.
There have been times when I have a form of trust in a person that is more along the lines of a deep friendship. (Let me preface this by saying that it may be that I simply put other people on pedestals or have skewed interpretations of who people are).
Sometimes you'll have a friend that just lets you down by letting themselves down. I went through it time and time again in so so many ways with my friends from high school.

Examples:
-I've always gone to church, as I made new friends I would sometimes hang out at their church, or they at mine. Slowly, steadily, and consistently they all stopped going to church. Or even worse, I came into realization that they hadn't been Christians to begin with, at least in the sense of how they lead their lives.
-All of my old friends save for one now smoke pot.
-They all also enjoy abusing alcohol.
-I think I may be the only person out of my entire original friend group that is still a virgin.

This blog has derailed into a stream of complaints. And for that I apologize.
People don't apologize enough.

Let me think of a way to fix it.
I guess the best way may be to end it.

Apparently writing a blog can sometimes take an entire Sunday. It wasn't that I had a lot to say, but rather that I had a lot of distractions and little motivation to truly write.
At least, that is what I have decided it was. Who knows.


Let me think of a good song...
Its no wonder video games dominated my adolescence when they're as masterfully done as they can be. This opening music, Time's Scar, from Chrono Cross, is one of the best pieces of music in a video game ever.

But, for a certainty, back then, 

We loved so many, yet hated so much.

We hurt others, and were hurt ourselves...

Yet even then, we ran like the wind.

Whilst our laughter echoed,

Under cerulean skies... 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Cleave to the sunnier side of doubt.

Attempt #3 at writing another blog. Hopefully this time i'll prove capable of finishing it. I certainly have enough time to write it this time.

This blog will probably be another emotional catharsis. So i'll be dialoguing with myself quite a bit.

Sometimes I feel like I'll never be able to do anything exceptional in my life. For a couple of reasons, the first being that history is so far along that chances are, anything I do, someone has already done better. Another reason is that, personally, I have what I think are fairly simple goals in life. Have a job, have a home, have a family, be happy. None of those aspirations really have much magnitude.
I don't want to sell myself short, whatever that means, because I really love to travel, and do exciting things like jump out of airplanes. But what I'm getting at is my ultimate true desire in life.

It feels kind of tragic to me, but I'll never be a hero. I spend a lot of time sitting in my own thoughts. Wanting and hoping.

I'm shifting gears:
I sometimes am afraid to be myself around other people. Because when you act genuine, and someone else doesn't approve, its like they don't approve of you, or who you are. It hurts worse when someone criticizes who you are. That isn't to say I don't act like myself, because I spent most of my life behind a facade, and it wasn't worth it. I have no one to impress.
I don't like acting like something I'm not. I don't want to put on a front in order for someone to approve of me. I don't like being a farce, an effigy of my true self.
Besides, sometimes if you put up a front for so long, it becomes somewhat part of who you are. In highschool I was unkind and harsh, with my actions and my words, because it helped me feel better about myself. I wasn't necessarily aware of it at the time, but that is the way it was. And it made me feel like a bad person. I sought to change that, because I get far more out of kindness than I ever did out of cruelty. And besides, in my heart, I feel that I want to be kind. Kindness is the most underrated behavior in all of society. And that is one of the biggest modern tragedies. It's a fruit of the Spirit. I should really write a blog on the fruits of the Spirit.

Sometimes I wonder if all my efforts are worth it. The absolute easiest way is self-indulgence and depravation. The entire length of Plato's Republic is centered around a debate on whether or not being a good person is worth it. The ultimate conclusion is that goodness for its own sake is far superior to badness. However there is no true benefit to displaying goodness until you view it in a grander scheme.
Thats an important part of what i've been saying, so I will reiterate. There is no direct benefit of being good. You lose things you want, you don't get things you need, and you never win. But when you put good behavior into a mix, it produces far more than anything bad could. That was a bad reiteration, I don't think I can properly convey what I mean.
In a way, without the application of God, goodness is unrewarded.

My life is a whirlwind. A deluge as ceaseless as my cavernous mind can create. In a lot of ways, it is the greatest blessing, while being the most piercing curse. I thank God for my life and my soul. In a way, simple meditation on life and complexities is the most fulfilling thing I do for myself. I often feel I lead a sad existence.

Here I'm alive. Everything all of the time.
One of Radioheads masterpieces: Idioteque

life before death, strength before weakness, journey before destination.

Three days in. Student teaching. A novella.

I started student teaching Tuesday. I had a seven hour long seminar the day before, but it actually wasn't all that bad, it was just information overload. 

Tuesday went great, I was worried for... basically innumerable reasons. I wanted to make sure I was on time, which involves waking up at 6:30. I wanted to make sure I did everything correctly, signing in to the office etc. And I wanted to make a good impression with.. basically everyone.

I dressed very well.  No denying, I looked pretty good. 

I learned how to tie a tie again, I had forgotten. It's something all gentlemen should know.

Maroon shirt over a nice grey dress shirt, black and grey tie, black dress pants. I even got a compliment from one of the students on my shoes.

The kids were perfect. Well, as perfect as they realistically could be. But really.

I was worried (again), because I hadn't spent any time around students of middle school age, I've spent extensive time in elementary schools, and a fair bit in high schools. I've only done observation in high school, with a little bit of instruction. But elementary schools, I have subbed each grade  at least once, most of them more than once.

However, I grew to feel like I wanted to teach middle school as I progressed in my college career. I realized this around the beginning of this year.

Before I tangent on why I want to teach middle school, I'll finish my first thought.

I hadn't spent any time in middle school, or around many middle school students. But now that I have gotten into a classroom, I am beyond certain.

Now, as to why I want to teach middle school:

I hated middle school, no doubt. Worst part of my life. The emotional, physical, and mental stress was unbelievable. Mainly because everything is in flux. But, its natural. Its chemical.

So my original thinking was, "I want to be able to help the kids through this time of life". And now that i've spent three complete school days in it, its only been reinforced. 

It's the age when kids begin to realize that they're sad, and why. Its tough shit. I want to be there. I want to help.

My experience has been a little idyllic however, I am assigned to a great teacher, near my age, teaching the subject I'd love to teach, and we get along great. Not to mention the cluster of teachers that I am in is just as great, I am good friends with the math teacher, and the other few teachers are great fun. I want to buy them all presents when it's all over. 

I enjoy getting to cut past all the students during lunch, getting salad from the teacher island, and tea, which isn't allowed the students. It's a fun new school experience.

I have a hard time properly verbalizing it all.

I have a hard time properly verbalizing most anything.

This blog is a waste of effort.

my hands are small i know

Christmas. New Years.
The Holidays.

This Christmas rocked in southeast Tennessee. We got a substantial snowfall for being in a valley. Christmas day was frigid, and I couldn't do much more than build a half-hearted snowman. But a few days later, before the snow melted, my sister, brother, niece, and myself all went sledding. It was great for a lot of reasons. Truly.

It's been great having my brother in town, I normally don't get to see him but like once or so a semester because of schedule and distance.
I enjoy his company, he's essentially my best friend.
We got to spend a lot of time together this break, i'm not sure why he was able to stay as long as he was, but it was cool.
He graduates from grad school right around when i'll graduate in May. I liked that our graduations coincided because it puts both of us in a relatively unique but similar circumstance of undecided future. I was naturally pretty sad to see him leave today. But this is our last semester.

How cool would it be if I could successfully get a job teaching next year? I'd be gainfully employed, could finally be financially independent, and have a legitimate life.
I could do something I love, be able to put time and effort into something worthwhile. Be productive, be content. It would be cool.
I could move out, again, only this time into a place that actually worked well for me. And since my cost of living is so minimal, I'd be profiting quite substantially.
I could go to grad school at night, and/or, during the summer to work on my masters. I don't need a master's in teaching since I'll already be licensed to teach, so I could do something like administration or counseling, both of which I think I would enjoy.
That is a scary amount of 'coulds'.

I got two things for christmas, almost 100% exclusively. Clothes, and money. But that's cool, cause I need some nicer clothes to student teach in, beyond my t-shirts and jeans. And money is always cool. I'm super middle-class, I deposited everything, which means it'll end up going towards gas, food, and bills.
Gift cards ensure that I spend it on something other than those, I got one giftcard for barnes and noble, which I spent on an epic-lengthed fantasy novel, one of  my weaknesses.

New years was lackluster for me this year, but it always is for me, I don't know why really. I went to a party with my brother, it was a mutual friend of ours, but my brother knew most of the people there, while i was acquainted with i'd say about a third of the people. My sobriety and distaste for loud crowds really made for a sort of awkward soup. I stood around a lot, looked at my phone precisely every 3 minutes, waiting for midnight, and basically did nothing.

I start student teaching in two days, and I haven't bodily accepted it yet. I'm sure I will have to at some point in the direly near future. I have hit a sort of wall when it comes to certain productivities, I haven't emailed the teachers I'll be with, even though that isn't required, its just something I want to do. I spend most of my days wanting to sleep, reading books, or playing games. Not quite the lifestyle of someone who desperately wants financial independence, or at least not the lifestyle that someone should lead in that regard. But maybe I'm over-thinking it.
I just dont want to backslide, or be.. worthless. I sometimes feel like i've spent my life digging some kind of strange pit without knowing it, and sometime in the (probably near) future, I'll suddenly realize it and struggle to find my way out.

And now, a series of Tegan and Sara song quotes that I sometimes have a hard time removing from my skull:

• "But now we'll never know, I wont be sad but in case I go there everyday, to make myself feel bad there's a chance that I'll start to wonder if this was the thing to do." - Call It Off
• "So, it's been so long since you've said "well I know what I want, and what I want is right here with you"." 
  "Stop cryin to the ocean, stop cryin over me, stop worryin over nothing, stop worryin over me." - The Ocean
• "There's something so sick about this, my misery is so addictive" - Northshore.
• "All I dreamed of, all that seemed like love seemed silly to you now. All I said to you, all I did for you seems so silly to me now."
  "I know, the worlds been mean to you, I've got a cure hold tight. I know the worlds not fair to you, I've got a cure for its crimes"- The Cure
• "One way, or another, I'll find my way to cover. I sing to find my other, sing to find my... One way my lovely other, they find restless cover. You sing to another, sing to find your..." - Don't Rush.

So strange to me, to think that their song lyrics about relationships seem so relatable to me, but they wrote to the same sex. Then again, it may just be because they were writing to women. That is kind of a joke. But only kind of.

A more hardcore song, to counteract my flood of Tegan and Sara. Death From Above 1979 - You're a Woman, I'm a Machine. Maybe not the best song on the album, but certainly the best named. And definitely one of the best bass lines.