behold the field in which I grow my fucks. and see that it is barren.

I am 25.
I am almost 26.
I got a new cat.
I love alone. I meant to type "live" but decided to keep it.

Teaching has been the greatest blessing in my life.
Reasons:
Fulfillment. I feel like I am doing something good. I feel as if I am accomplishing a task I was designed for completing.
Money. I have a future that I want and it requires thus.
Business. It keeps me off idle.

I am a collector of odds and ends. I love things. I love stuff. I understand hoarders.
Oddly, I am also frugal.

It doesn't take much to make me happy.

I hate little cuts or sores in your mouth.

To think:
This blog saw me as a student. As a beginning teacher. And now me. As an experienced old-man 4th year teacher. I didn't know people were supposed to be this old or to feel these feels.

A song. Phantogram. Fall in Love

Tost Pitle

I have time to think again because it is spring break. Actually, that sentence was worthy of additional capitalization.
I have time to think again because it is Spring Break.
Much better.

OH LIFE! LIFE LIFE LIFE!

I got my computer fixed, I haven't had access to a reliable computer for like sixth or so months now. This is a mixed blessing because now I have internet access, but I also have internet access.
I can play games again. But I can waste time again.

I can surf the internet at pretty insane speeds compared to my phone, which is refreshing. But I also have the lure and lull of mind-numbing browsing.

STOP (hammer time) (collaborate and listen) (drop and roll)

I still get random things stuck in my head that won't leave until I write them down. BLRKjeksljrlkasdjflkasjdfkjkdeeeeaxcccvvvvvvvv

Its amazing how exciting simple things can be. I love it. I love the small things. God does some of the best work on the small scale. I am glad that I have opened my eyes to those small works and wonders.

I recently started working in the tech and sound booth at church. Last Wednesday I was approached to assist with the worship and scriptures on screen.
The responsibility is actually heavier than one would first assume. Not only do I have to be ultra focused in order to properly flip back and forth between lyrics, but different singers sing songs differently. Sometimes someone will jump around and you have to be able to jump with them.

As an obsessive compulsive orderer I always notice when something is misspelled on the projector, or the projectionist is behind on transitioning slides.
Sunday was my first time observing the program, how it works, how to operate it, all the commands and functions etc. And I operated it by myself on the following Wednesday. It was actually kind of a rush to be able to do it all that way. I didn't make any major flub ups or anything like that, so I was rather excited and proud.


 I have numerous old man habits. I am a collector of odds and ends. I go to bed early. I sleep a lot and wake up early. I like breakfast. I have a grumpy facade. I am an old man.


What does it mean to be a person? People are pretty imperfect. Occasionally you meet someone who has a genuine intellect and authentic personality. But a lot of the time you just get caricatures and effigies.
Today while washing a dish I thought about how I consider myself to be an all-around developed person. I have stability emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually, and socially. (I think social balance is worth adding).
There are not an abundance of people who could possibly make that claim.
Now that I look back at it, I want to take 'social' out of the equation so I can make an avatar the last airbender analogy.
Emotional stability is fire.
Mental stability is water.
Physical stability is earth.
Spiritual stability is air.

That makes me the Avatar.
Don't ask me which nation I am any more, (fire), because I am the avatar.
Maybe social balance is like being a non-bender...

ok. so the analogy isn't perfect.


Here's a secret that I try to tell everyone, but no one seems to listen.
If you want to feel good about yourself (physically, emotionally, blah blah)...
1.) Drink water.
2.) Exercise.
3.) Sleep.

Ironically, I don't always do these things myself. But I mean it when I say it, those things can change. your. life.


It is amazing how simple it is to waste a lot of time. I needed to pass about 6 or so hours until everyone got back from work. Done. Easy.
Play games, make food, watch tv, check out Etsy, lollygag on Facebook. Game over man, game over.

Stirrings

Awwwwwww yeah.

What a time of life.

Wake up, teach kids, eat most of the time, sleep, repeat.

My social interaction is questionable. I hang out because I live "out."

I often wonder things like, will I grow up to be like my uncle or will I be like these old people in movies and in my great grand parents home? I tend to settle on: I'll be ambivalently mixed.

I spoke with my cousin Amanda at our family's christmas gathering. She, like I, is dealing with being the only one in her family left unmarried. Similarly coupled, her older sibling has a baby due when mine does. We are uniquely paralleled. We both feel the pressure from all around us; from in the family, close acquaintances, and friends.

Being single is viewed as a disease, and to be pitied.

I often catch myself correcting old behavior of heaving spite and ill-will. For instance, I want to tell everyone who condescends my singularity that I hope they enjoy their divorce and misguided unhappiness. I hope their children grow up to loathe them because of their lack of ability and sheer ignorance. I hope they try to remarry and end up taking advantage of someone more innocent than them in an attempt to feel better about themselves. And so that, in their mentally crippled and physically demeaned later years, they might relive their past and drown in regret and sorrow so violent and spine-wrenchingly sharp that they can't even work up the nerve to commit suicide.

I try not to hate any more. And I actually find that it's much harder to do now, which is truly a blessing. I spent a lot of my life in fury. Its a very misguided emotion. I knew someone that claimed they believed hate was as powerful as love, but thats simply wrong. Think about it.

So. I am still single, and I am praying as often as I think of. For whoever she is, that she'll be happy, that she'll be safe. It doesn't ever stop my.. worry. I worry that I'll never know who she is, or that some stroke of fate denied her to me. Maybe God sent the helicopter, and the ship, but somehow I accidentally chose to drown instead.
It is very difficult being as old as I am, being alone as I am.
What if I have to wait until I'm 35? I'm sure I'll make innumerable bad decisions and sinful indulgences before then. But hopefully something with stave me off and protect me. I don't know what it'll take to do that. I really need to pray more. The prayer bracelet that I got for just that purpose didn't work out perfectly like I'd liked.

What kind of person am I to someone else?
Obvious:
I am 5'11, blond haired, blue eyed. I am slim. I am quiet. I teach children. I have a so-so fashion sense. I take care of myself, and I am fairly well off.
More intimately:
I am peculiar in taste and style. I love fiercely. I am loyal. I am stoic. I can finally admit when I'm wrong. I am confident, and prideful. I am a dreamer and ephemeral philosopher. I am future minded. I know what I like. I understand myself uncannily well. I am very vulnerable in many areas. I am open-minded.

How do you go about.. marketing yourself to someone. Hi, would you like to live on a farm, bear me children, and love me forever? I'll protect you, love you forever, be your friend, take care of our children, work tirelessly for our mutual well being and that of our offspring.
How is this supposed to work. Maybe I need help, as much as I would hate to admit that.

I want to be poor.

Legend of Zelda Ocarina of Time: Song of Storms

lamentation

my brain is so fried. Almost all of the time.

I am so busy during the week I only have a few hours to myself each day. That is usually spent unwinding by either reading, playing a game, or watching T.V.

All of my friends are busy too, only in different ways. I don't really have anyone that I "talk to" a lot. I don't text or get texts except out of necessity and having a conversation outside of the weekends actually feels irregular.

I spend all day speaking in front of students. I am actually a very quiet person, and all this communication has caused me to get my words backwards and my tongue tied a lot. Essentially, I stutter.
Because my brain has to go nonstop from 8 AM to 3 PM my mind oftentimes gets ahead of my mouth, and so I repeat the beginnings of sentences two or three times before the rest comes out.
"ok.. ok... ok now you can start your quiz." "And this... and this is why that is true"

I also participate in extra curricular activities at school. I assistant direct, but it requires a full-time commitment. That is an extra two hours essentially, most days of the week.

Today specifically, which is why I write this, I arrived at school at 6:30 and had an altered schedule due to teacher meetings which took up 75% of my planning time that is critical for me since it is my first time teaching. My last class ended precisely at 3:00, I then had bus duty in the gym until 4:05, and then (I was late to) play practice until 5:30.
Seeing as I had no planning, I literally had nothing ready for the following day. I came close to calling in a substitute or something just to give myself a day off to not be trampled.
Instead, I got take-out asian food, brought it home, and have eaten it while trying to find some semblance of a not-awful lesson for twelve year olds.

I realize this is little more than complaining. But I really need to say it, preferably somewhere little to no one will see it except for myself. I do all of this because I frequently come back and read these posts when I can reflect properly or be more analytical. I also like putting up songs that suit my current mood.
(this time it is Rage against the machine: sleep now in the fire)

Most of all, I miss the relative intimacy of friendships. I don't see many people any more, and I DO NOT speak to many people any more. That is really just the way it is, not because I avoid it, but I don't have time, etc.

On Soulmates

My first blog in a while. I have been quite busy, though happy.

Soulmates.
1.) What are they.
2.) Do you believe in them?

*Disclaimer: may contain religious tangents.
Additional disclaimer: I do not follow any set format for this, I am writing as I surmise.

Abstract: I make lists. I sometimes define things. I make suppositions. HOWEVER, I do ultimately make an assertion, so you may want to skip to that if you hate mental meanderings.

I assume a soul mate is someone that you are "supposed" to be with.
But I still maintain a few ideas of what it could mean in addition to that.
-Someone you were born to be with.
-Someone who fits you perfectly.
-Someone who completes you.
-Someone who makes you into a better person.
-Someone divinely appointed to be with you.
etc.

There could probably be any combination of all of the above in any one person's idea of what a soul mate is.

Here are a few additional thoughts I have entertained.

I believe the archetypical idea of what a soulmate is can be defined something like this... "someone, as in one person, who is also on the planet Earth that is 100% your perfect match." 
This idea can hold a variety of interpretations as well, such as:
-Do you believe that no matter what you are going to end up with that person? Most people would disagree with this, for safety's sake alone.
-What if that person falls in love, or gets stuck in a relationship that they fail to get properly exit? Or what if youdo those things? Does that mean that your soulmate is left high and dry?
--Side note: what if that person is significantly older or younger than you are, and circumstances prevent proper interaction?
-What if you fail to meet this person? (through various reasons)
-What if your soul mate died? (I have entertained the notion, and written somewhat extensively on the possibility).


Ultimately, I believe that many would assert a soulmate is not actually limited to being a single individual.
Ironically, the name kind of implies one person.
However, there is then the notion of how many soul mates does one have?

I, myself, am somewhat more reserved. Someone with a more extraverted personality may be inclined to believe that there are a plethora of individuals that could qualify as being a "soul mate." So where do you draw the line?
Are there 3?
Are there only 5 on the planet at any given time and they repopulate in order to maintain equilibrium?
Do different people have different numbers of plausible soul mates? (Meaning I have only 3, but one of those 3 has a list of 12) ?


I feel that this sort of argument is invalid based on absurdity.

Instead of focusing on who is the soul mate, I want to articulate my thoughts on what a soulmate is.

-Born to be with. I think you can throw this one out the window, look at all the unhappy marriages and divorce rate in America alone. 

-Fits you perfectly has a little bit more merit. 
It feels a little bit more realistic, though perhaps a tad less idealistic. People can fit each other perfectly. I've seen it. Sometimes its through similarity, and sometimes it is through compatibility. (this ties directly in to the other possible answer of 'someone who completes you') Sometimes people fit together because they're different and they fulfill parts of you that are missing.
I am far more inclined to feel that this aspect is contained within the identity of a soulmate.

-Makes you into a better person.
Interestingly, I feel that this aspect isn't required. DONT GET ME WRONG HERE. All I want to say is that being better, or worse, that you were before is an opinion. I think a soulmate is someone that will make you feel better.

Before I finish, I'll touch on whether or not God determines your soul mate. But it will require a whole new list.
-Does God determine every course of event for your life, or do you have choice?
--If you believe in free will, you can't really claim that everyone has a singular soulmate. Sometimes people choose to commit suicide. Or sometimes babies are aborted. Did that baby have a soulmate? Did someone abort my soul mate?
--What if I miss the opportunity to meet my soulmate because of some choice I made, like being shy?

-Do you believe that God is supposed to grant you a soulmate.
--What if God's plan for my life doesn't include a spouse?
--What if God planned my life to be as solitary as it is because I am basically preparing for a life alone? And what if that somehow ties in with my destiny? (Destiny's are an entire subject I won't get into right now ><)


Ultimately I conclude this:
Soulmates are not limited to being any number of people. What a soulmate is... is an ideal. There are multiple facets to what makes your soulmate your soulmate, kind of like a diamond. Or an onion.
No person's soulmate is someone elses soulmate. People are people, and people are different. No people are the same.
So, and heres the kicker...
Having a soulmate is a state of mind.


I'm sure we've all heard someone claim that they have a soulmate before. Try and think about all of the times you've believed them when they've said it (or you've believed yourself when you've said it). That is essentially what I am trying to encapsulate.


My apologies for my long-windedness and my lack of proper grammatical structure.


A song:Coolio - Gangster's Paradise

Everyone is broken

a blog to outline my hopes and expectations:
(and fears).

I need to learn more about God and the Bible.
I know there is no way to know God, per se. But I wish to know.. more of him. I guess.

So, I want to really get legit and read through a couple of translations of the Bible simultaneously.

I want to do this in a specific manner. Namely, in silence.
I could write an entire blog about silence, but I don't think I will. I'll just briefly cover that here.

Silence is Golden. I wish I could come up with words like that. A large part of my entire life is spent in silence, I am quiet. I actually got somewhat physically ill because of having to speak so much during student teaching. But I got over it.
When you just take the time to shut the hell up, and listen to what is going on. (What people are saying, what is happening around you), you are able to actually see a lot more.
I feel like God is more present in my life when I am quiet. It is like we have another sense, or another eye that can only be opened/realized during silence.
(in a nutshell)

So I want to travel. I want to go somewhere quite far away. And I want to be silent. And I want to study the Bible. I am thinking France. Or New Zealand. Or somewhere in South America. Spend like a month or two over a summer (because I won't be teaching or in grad school), and just listen.. essentially.

I felt like a blog was the best place for me to outline this a little bit permanently.
Yeah!

a dirge

Nothing I have ever thought,
That I still believe.

Nothing I will ever do,
That can make a difference.

Nothing I could ever say,
That will make me mean "forever."

Fond, but not in love.
Doleful, but not forlorn.

I, my friends, am already dead.
And I died not long ago.