my hands are small i know

Christmas. New Years.
The Holidays.

This Christmas rocked in southeast Tennessee. We got a substantial snowfall for being in a valley. Christmas day was frigid, and I couldn't do much more than build a half-hearted snowman. But a few days later, before the snow melted, my sister, brother, niece, and myself all went sledding. It was great for a lot of reasons. Truly.

It's been great having my brother in town, I normally don't get to see him but like once or so a semester because of schedule and distance.
I enjoy his company, he's essentially my best friend.
We got to spend a lot of time together this break, i'm not sure why he was able to stay as long as he was, but it was cool.
He graduates from grad school right around when i'll graduate in May. I liked that our graduations coincided because it puts both of us in a relatively unique but similar circumstance of undecided future. I was naturally pretty sad to see him leave today. But this is our last semester.

How cool would it be if I could successfully get a job teaching next year? I'd be gainfully employed, could finally be financially independent, and have a legitimate life.
I could do something I love, be able to put time and effort into something worthwhile. Be productive, be content. It would be cool.
I could move out, again, only this time into a place that actually worked well for me. And since my cost of living is so minimal, I'd be profiting quite substantially.
I could go to grad school at night, and/or, during the summer to work on my masters. I don't need a master's in teaching since I'll already be licensed to teach, so I could do something like administration or counseling, both of which I think I would enjoy.
That is a scary amount of 'coulds'.

I got two things for christmas, almost 100% exclusively. Clothes, and money. But that's cool, cause I need some nicer clothes to student teach in, beyond my t-shirts and jeans. And money is always cool. I'm super middle-class, I deposited everything, which means it'll end up going towards gas, food, and bills.
Gift cards ensure that I spend it on something other than those, I got one giftcard for barnes and noble, which I spent on an epic-lengthed fantasy novel, one of  my weaknesses.

New years was lackluster for me this year, but it always is for me, I don't know why really. I went to a party with my brother, it was a mutual friend of ours, but my brother knew most of the people there, while i was acquainted with i'd say about a third of the people. My sobriety and distaste for loud crowds really made for a sort of awkward soup. I stood around a lot, looked at my phone precisely every 3 minutes, waiting for midnight, and basically did nothing.

I start student teaching in two days, and I haven't bodily accepted it yet. I'm sure I will have to at some point in the direly near future. I have hit a sort of wall when it comes to certain productivities, I haven't emailed the teachers I'll be with, even though that isn't required, its just something I want to do. I spend most of my days wanting to sleep, reading books, or playing games. Not quite the lifestyle of someone who desperately wants financial independence, or at least not the lifestyle that someone should lead in that regard. But maybe I'm over-thinking it.
I just dont want to backslide, or be.. worthless. I sometimes feel like i've spent my life digging some kind of strange pit without knowing it, and sometime in the (probably near) future, I'll suddenly realize it and struggle to find my way out.

And now, a series of Tegan and Sara song quotes that I sometimes have a hard time removing from my skull:

• "But now we'll never know, I wont be sad but in case I go there everyday, to make myself feel bad there's a chance that I'll start to wonder if this was the thing to do." - Call It Off
• "So, it's been so long since you've said "well I know what I want, and what I want is right here with you"." 
  "Stop cryin to the ocean, stop cryin over me, stop worryin over nothing, stop worryin over me." - The Ocean
• "There's something so sick about this, my misery is so addictive" - Northshore.
• "All I dreamed of, all that seemed like love seemed silly to you now. All I said to you, all I did for you seems so silly to me now."
  "I know, the worlds been mean to you, I've got a cure hold tight. I know the worlds not fair to you, I've got a cure for its crimes"- The Cure
• "One way, or another, I'll find my way to cover. I sing to find my other, sing to find my... One way my lovely other, they find restless cover. You sing to another, sing to find your..." - Don't Rush.

So strange to me, to think that their song lyrics about relationships seem so relatable to me, but they wrote to the same sex. Then again, it may just be because they were writing to women. That is kind of a joke. But only kind of.

A more hardcore song, to counteract my flood of Tegan and Sara. Death From Above 1979 - You're a Woman, I'm a Machine. Maybe not the best song on the album, but certainly the best named. And definitely one of the best bass lines.