Cleave to the sunnier side of doubt.

Attempt #3 at writing another blog. Hopefully this time i'll prove capable of finishing it. I certainly have enough time to write it this time.

This blog will probably be another emotional catharsis. So i'll be dialoguing with myself quite a bit.

Sometimes I feel like I'll never be able to do anything exceptional in my life. For a couple of reasons, the first being that history is so far along that chances are, anything I do, someone has already done better. Another reason is that, personally, I have what I think are fairly simple goals in life. Have a job, have a home, have a family, be happy. None of those aspirations really have much magnitude.
I don't want to sell myself short, whatever that means, because I really love to travel, and do exciting things like jump out of airplanes. But what I'm getting at is my ultimate true desire in life.

It feels kind of tragic to me, but I'll never be a hero. I spend a lot of time sitting in my own thoughts. Wanting and hoping.

I'm shifting gears:
I sometimes am afraid to be myself around other people. Because when you act genuine, and someone else doesn't approve, its like they don't approve of you, or who you are. It hurts worse when someone criticizes who you are. That isn't to say I don't act like myself, because I spent most of my life behind a facade, and it wasn't worth it. I have no one to impress.
I don't like acting like something I'm not. I don't want to put on a front in order for someone to approve of me. I don't like being a farce, an effigy of my true self.
Besides, sometimes if you put up a front for so long, it becomes somewhat part of who you are. In highschool I was unkind and harsh, with my actions and my words, because it helped me feel better about myself. I wasn't necessarily aware of it at the time, but that is the way it was. And it made me feel like a bad person. I sought to change that, because I get far more out of kindness than I ever did out of cruelty. And besides, in my heart, I feel that I want to be kind. Kindness is the most underrated behavior in all of society. And that is one of the biggest modern tragedies. It's a fruit of the Spirit. I should really write a blog on the fruits of the Spirit.

Sometimes I wonder if all my efforts are worth it. The absolute easiest way is self-indulgence and depravation. The entire length of Plato's Republic is centered around a debate on whether or not being a good person is worth it. The ultimate conclusion is that goodness for its own sake is far superior to badness. However there is no true benefit to displaying goodness until you view it in a grander scheme.
Thats an important part of what i've been saying, so I will reiterate. There is no direct benefit of being good. You lose things you want, you don't get things you need, and you never win. But when you put good behavior into a mix, it produces far more than anything bad could. That was a bad reiteration, I don't think I can properly convey what I mean.
In a way, without the application of God, goodness is unrewarded.

My life is a whirlwind. A deluge as ceaseless as my cavernous mind can create. In a lot of ways, it is the greatest blessing, while being the most piercing curse. I thank God for my life and my soul. In a way, simple meditation on life and complexities is the most fulfilling thing I do for myself. I often feel I lead a sad existence.

Here I'm alive. Everything all of the time.
One of Radioheads masterpieces: Idioteque