I spent all of my time wrestling with my brother, digging in dirt, playing with action figures, and building with legos.
All i've ever wanted out of life was to be a good father.
I have no motivation stemming from bad parenting, my father has been wonderful. I couldn't ask for a better role model. I can't specify where it comes from. Although my personality type is INFJ 'the protector'.
I've never felt a calling in the realm of a professional vocation. I don't know what this means.
An Aside:
Why am I in college (if I don't have a professional vocation)? easy. I love learning. Knowledge brings edification of the soul. Education isn't my job, its my hobby, and one I cherish.
Freshman gateway taught me that my biggest strength was Input. oh man. I just busted that out. for serious.
I interpret input as learning, I like to learn. I watch TV shows that teach me things. I love facts. I love history.
The one thing I've felt as an omnipresent fact of my life is 'Be a good father'.
What does that mean for me though? It scares me to consider it too deeply. I worry I'll never find love (a requirement of mine for marriage {A requirement of mine for children}).
I don't think it's necessary for the children to be my own. I can adopt, i'd even do it alone.
I've also kind of thought that I've had a.. rather large reservoir of love, and no outlet for it, so i've subdued it, or distorted it. Another worry. Sometimes I feel like I've forsaken God's role as a father figure in my life.
I'm sorry father.
Perhaps my purpose or intent for something like this is to teach middle school and use my 'be a good father' in that realm. Teachers are authority figures, and in many cases ( i think), act as parent figures.
I could be satisfied with life if all I could do was positively impact students lives during one of the most difficult periods of personal transition (emotional, chemical, physical, mental), which is middle school, that a human being goes through.
I don't know how any of this will or should play out. I don't know if I'm not trusting enough, or if I'm not being proactive enough in my own life.
All I really know is that there is too much for me to know, and that I can't understand any of it.
A simple rambling I wrote.. probably over a year ago, it is written to God, I guess, I think I had the original idea (that I never pursued more than this like... 30 second taken to write scrawling) that I should write it to my parents. I'd always kind of wanted to refine it, make it more.. poetic and less ugly, and expound on it a little bit more.
I can’t blame all my problems on you
You did your best, and it was enough.
You protected me from a weary world
That would prove to fail me more
Than I have failed my self.
So God I pray to you tonight
Make me clean and keep me right
My body forsakes me, give my soul respite.
I wonder if I'm not properly praising God. Thanking him enough, or in the right way.
I used to berate myself because every time I would pray, I started with an apology.
I don't know if this is wrong or not, sometimes it feels prudent. I think it always feels prudent.
Forgive me, Father.
forgive me
(For some reason my atypical typing symbol of this blog was the parenthesis, I used them like six times... the hell?)
A song: Flyleaf- The Kind.
hey. thanks for always commenting on my stuff. i personally dont like my poem. i want the imagery to be... richer. i dont mind there being some mixing between the i and me though since they are in fact the same person and are flowing in and out of each other. i really really appreciate your input. on my blog, and on yours.
ReplyDeleteyour soul is beautiful you know. dd you realize how indicitave your desires and fears are of your identity and what kind of person you are? like someone who fears being unkind will go out of their way to be an even kinder person. someone who desires to be a good father will probably always be scrutinizing themselves in that area and will probably get exactly what they want. especially if they are competent, which you are. also i dont know if you knew this, but that value is one that is very attractive to women. and odds are, since there are more women than men in the world (and at lee) and they are usually more desperate for romance, youll have no trouble finding love. well maybe trouble, but not failure. as we have already established you are competent, but also you are a good, strong man with a heart that desires true virtue, that is the desire to attribute to God what He is due. Also, you have a lot of love to give and you desire to pour it out. I dont think God would or will ever give you a vain desire. (I realize that statement evokes quite a lot of philosophic and existensial questions but we can talk about those later).
i dont think that you are unaware of all this or that you are abnormal for worrying about these things. so i am not really sure why i am typing all this to you except that i recognize in you a kindred spirit, and i believe all that i have said to be true (even the compliments; i promise i wouldnt have said them without believing them).
i have one more thing to say and that is that i fervently pray the God reveals to you (or continues to reveal to You) the full extent, the giddiness and the biterness and especially the joy of His overwhelming love for you. I pray that it infects you with fever and passion and ultimately union, fulfillment and joy in return.
hey, God is faithful.
I love you!