Cleave to the sunnier side of doubt.

Attempt #3 at writing another blog. Hopefully this time i'll prove capable of finishing it. I certainly have enough time to write it this time.

This blog will probably be another emotional catharsis. So i'll be dialoguing with myself quite a bit.

Sometimes I feel like I'll never be able to do anything exceptional in my life. For a couple of reasons, the first being that history is so far along that chances are, anything I do, someone has already done better. Another reason is that, personally, I have what I think are fairly simple goals in life. Have a job, have a home, have a family, be happy. None of those aspirations really have much magnitude.
I don't want to sell myself short, whatever that means, because I really love to travel, and do exciting things like jump out of airplanes. But what I'm getting at is my ultimate true desire in life.

It feels kind of tragic to me, but I'll never be a hero. I spend a lot of time sitting in my own thoughts. Wanting and hoping.

I'm shifting gears:
I sometimes am afraid to be myself around other people. Because when you act genuine, and someone else doesn't approve, its like they don't approve of you, or who you are. It hurts worse when someone criticizes who you are. That isn't to say I don't act like myself, because I spent most of my life behind a facade, and it wasn't worth it. I have no one to impress.
I don't like acting like something I'm not. I don't want to put on a front in order for someone to approve of me. I don't like being a farce, an effigy of my true self.
Besides, sometimes if you put up a front for so long, it becomes somewhat part of who you are. In highschool I was unkind and harsh, with my actions and my words, because it helped me feel better about myself. I wasn't necessarily aware of it at the time, but that is the way it was. And it made me feel like a bad person. I sought to change that, because I get far more out of kindness than I ever did out of cruelty. And besides, in my heart, I feel that I want to be kind. Kindness is the most underrated behavior in all of society. And that is one of the biggest modern tragedies. It's a fruit of the Spirit. I should really write a blog on the fruits of the Spirit.

Sometimes I wonder if all my efforts are worth it. The absolute easiest way is self-indulgence and depravation. The entire length of Plato's Republic is centered around a debate on whether or not being a good person is worth it. The ultimate conclusion is that goodness for its own sake is far superior to badness. However there is no true benefit to displaying goodness until you view it in a grander scheme.
Thats an important part of what i've been saying, so I will reiterate. There is no direct benefit of being good. You lose things you want, you don't get things you need, and you never win. But when you put good behavior into a mix, it produces far more than anything bad could. That was a bad reiteration, I don't think I can properly convey what I mean.
In a way, without the application of God, goodness is unrewarded.

My life is a whirlwind. A deluge as ceaseless as my cavernous mind can create. In a lot of ways, it is the greatest blessing, while being the most piercing curse. I thank God for my life and my soul. In a way, simple meditation on life and complexities is the most fulfilling thing I do for myself. I often feel I lead a sad existence.

Here I'm alive. Everything all of the time.
One of Radioheads masterpieces: Idioteque

life before death, strength before weakness, journey before destination.

Three days in. Student teaching. A novella.

I started student teaching Tuesday. I had a seven hour long seminar the day before, but it actually wasn't all that bad, it was just information overload. 

Tuesday went great, I was worried for... basically innumerable reasons. I wanted to make sure I was on time, which involves waking up at 6:30. I wanted to make sure I did everything correctly, signing in to the office etc. And I wanted to make a good impression with.. basically everyone.

I dressed very well.  No denying, I looked pretty good. 

I learned how to tie a tie again, I had forgotten. It's something all gentlemen should know.

Maroon shirt over a nice grey dress shirt, black and grey tie, black dress pants. I even got a compliment from one of the students on my shoes.

The kids were perfect. Well, as perfect as they realistically could be. But really.

I was worried (again), because I hadn't spent any time around students of middle school age, I've spent extensive time in elementary schools, and a fair bit in high schools. I've only done observation in high school, with a little bit of instruction. But elementary schools, I have subbed each grade  at least once, most of them more than once.

However, I grew to feel like I wanted to teach middle school as I progressed in my college career. I realized this around the beginning of this year.

Before I tangent on why I want to teach middle school, I'll finish my first thought.

I hadn't spent any time in middle school, or around many middle school students. But now that I have gotten into a classroom, I am beyond certain.

Now, as to why I want to teach middle school:

I hated middle school, no doubt. Worst part of my life. The emotional, physical, and mental stress was unbelievable. Mainly because everything is in flux. But, its natural. Its chemical.

So my original thinking was, "I want to be able to help the kids through this time of life". And now that i've spent three complete school days in it, its only been reinforced. 

It's the age when kids begin to realize that they're sad, and why. Its tough shit. I want to be there. I want to help.

My experience has been a little idyllic however, I am assigned to a great teacher, near my age, teaching the subject I'd love to teach, and we get along great. Not to mention the cluster of teachers that I am in is just as great, I am good friends with the math teacher, and the other few teachers are great fun. I want to buy them all presents when it's all over. 

I enjoy getting to cut past all the students during lunch, getting salad from the teacher island, and tea, which isn't allowed the students. It's a fun new school experience.

I have a hard time properly verbalizing it all.

I have a hard time properly verbalizing most anything.

This blog is a waste of effort.

my hands are small i know

Christmas. New Years.
The Holidays.

This Christmas rocked in southeast Tennessee. We got a substantial snowfall for being in a valley. Christmas day was frigid, and I couldn't do much more than build a half-hearted snowman. But a few days later, before the snow melted, my sister, brother, niece, and myself all went sledding. It was great for a lot of reasons. Truly.

It's been great having my brother in town, I normally don't get to see him but like once or so a semester because of schedule and distance.
I enjoy his company, he's essentially my best friend.
We got to spend a lot of time together this break, i'm not sure why he was able to stay as long as he was, but it was cool.
He graduates from grad school right around when i'll graduate in May. I liked that our graduations coincided because it puts both of us in a relatively unique but similar circumstance of undecided future. I was naturally pretty sad to see him leave today. But this is our last semester.

How cool would it be if I could successfully get a job teaching next year? I'd be gainfully employed, could finally be financially independent, and have a legitimate life.
I could do something I love, be able to put time and effort into something worthwhile. Be productive, be content. It would be cool.
I could move out, again, only this time into a place that actually worked well for me. And since my cost of living is so minimal, I'd be profiting quite substantially.
I could go to grad school at night, and/or, during the summer to work on my masters. I don't need a master's in teaching since I'll already be licensed to teach, so I could do something like administration or counseling, both of which I think I would enjoy.
That is a scary amount of 'coulds'.

I got two things for christmas, almost 100% exclusively. Clothes, and money. But that's cool, cause I need some nicer clothes to student teach in, beyond my t-shirts and jeans. And money is always cool. I'm super middle-class, I deposited everything, which means it'll end up going towards gas, food, and bills.
Gift cards ensure that I spend it on something other than those, I got one giftcard for barnes and noble, which I spent on an epic-lengthed fantasy novel, one of  my weaknesses.

New years was lackluster for me this year, but it always is for me, I don't know why really. I went to a party with my brother, it was a mutual friend of ours, but my brother knew most of the people there, while i was acquainted with i'd say about a third of the people. My sobriety and distaste for loud crowds really made for a sort of awkward soup. I stood around a lot, looked at my phone precisely every 3 minutes, waiting for midnight, and basically did nothing.

I start student teaching in two days, and I haven't bodily accepted it yet. I'm sure I will have to at some point in the direly near future. I have hit a sort of wall when it comes to certain productivities, I haven't emailed the teachers I'll be with, even though that isn't required, its just something I want to do. I spend most of my days wanting to sleep, reading books, or playing games. Not quite the lifestyle of someone who desperately wants financial independence, or at least not the lifestyle that someone should lead in that regard. But maybe I'm over-thinking it.
I just dont want to backslide, or be.. worthless. I sometimes feel like i've spent my life digging some kind of strange pit without knowing it, and sometime in the (probably near) future, I'll suddenly realize it and struggle to find my way out.

And now, a series of Tegan and Sara song quotes that I sometimes have a hard time removing from my skull:

• "But now we'll never know, I wont be sad but in case I go there everyday, to make myself feel bad there's a chance that I'll start to wonder if this was the thing to do." - Call It Off
• "So, it's been so long since you've said "well I know what I want, and what I want is right here with you"." 
  "Stop cryin to the ocean, stop cryin over me, stop worryin over nothing, stop worryin over me." - The Ocean
• "There's something so sick about this, my misery is so addictive" - Northshore.
• "All I dreamed of, all that seemed like love seemed silly to you now. All I said to you, all I did for you seems so silly to me now."
  "I know, the worlds been mean to you, I've got a cure hold tight. I know the worlds not fair to you, I've got a cure for its crimes"- The Cure
• "One way, or another, I'll find my way to cover. I sing to find my other, sing to find my... One way my lovely other, they find restless cover. You sing to another, sing to find your..." - Don't Rush.

So strange to me, to think that their song lyrics about relationships seem so relatable to me, but they wrote to the same sex. Then again, it may just be because they were writing to women. That is kind of a joke. But only kind of.

A more hardcore song, to counteract my flood of Tegan and Sara. Death From Above 1979 - You're a Woman, I'm a Machine. Maybe not the best song on the album, but certainly the best named. And definitely one of the best bass lines.