Stirrings

Awwwwwww yeah.

What a time of life.

Wake up, teach kids, eat most of the time, sleep, repeat.

My social interaction is questionable. I hang out because I live "out."

I often wonder things like, will I grow up to be like my uncle or will I be like these old people in movies and in my great grand parents home? I tend to settle on: I'll be ambivalently mixed.

I spoke with my cousin Amanda at our family's christmas gathering. She, like I, is dealing with being the only one in her family left unmarried. Similarly coupled, her older sibling has a baby due when mine does. We are uniquely paralleled. We both feel the pressure from all around us; from in the family, close acquaintances, and friends.

Being single is viewed as a disease, and to be pitied.

I often catch myself correcting old behavior of heaving spite and ill-will. For instance, I want to tell everyone who condescends my singularity that I hope they enjoy their divorce and misguided unhappiness. I hope their children grow up to loathe them because of their lack of ability and sheer ignorance. I hope they try to remarry and end up taking advantage of someone more innocent than them in an attempt to feel better about themselves. And so that, in their mentally crippled and physically demeaned later years, they might relive their past and drown in regret and sorrow so violent and spine-wrenchingly sharp that they can't even work up the nerve to commit suicide.

I try not to hate any more. And I actually find that it's much harder to do now, which is truly a blessing. I spent a lot of my life in fury. Its a very misguided emotion. I knew someone that claimed they believed hate was as powerful as love, but thats simply wrong. Think about it.

So. I am still single, and I am praying as often as I think of. For whoever she is, that she'll be happy, that she'll be safe. It doesn't ever stop my.. worry. I worry that I'll never know who she is, or that some stroke of fate denied her to me. Maybe God sent the helicopter, and the ship, but somehow I accidentally chose to drown instead.
It is very difficult being as old as I am, being alone as I am.
What if I have to wait until I'm 35? I'm sure I'll make innumerable bad decisions and sinful indulgences before then. But hopefully something with stave me off and protect me. I don't know what it'll take to do that. I really need to pray more. The prayer bracelet that I got for just that purpose didn't work out perfectly like I'd liked.

What kind of person am I to someone else?
Obvious:
I am 5'11, blond haired, blue eyed. I am slim. I am quiet. I teach children. I have a so-so fashion sense. I take care of myself, and I am fairly well off.
More intimately:
I am peculiar in taste and style. I love fiercely. I am loyal. I am stoic. I can finally admit when I'm wrong. I am confident, and prideful. I am a dreamer and ephemeral philosopher. I am future minded. I know what I like. I understand myself uncannily well. I am very vulnerable in many areas. I am open-minded.

How do you go about.. marketing yourself to someone. Hi, would you like to live on a farm, bear me children, and love me forever? I'll protect you, love you forever, be your friend, take care of our children, work tirelessly for our mutual well being and that of our offspring.
How is this supposed to work. Maybe I need help, as much as I would hate to admit that.

I want to be poor.

Legend of Zelda Ocarina of Time: Song of Storms