Stirrings

Awwwwwww yeah.

What a time of life.

Wake up, teach kids, eat most of the time, sleep, repeat.

My social interaction is questionable. I hang out because I live "out."

I often wonder things like, will I grow up to be like my uncle or will I be like these old people in movies and in my great grand parents home? I tend to settle on: I'll be ambivalently mixed.

I spoke with my cousin Amanda at our family's christmas gathering. She, like I, is dealing with being the only one in her family left unmarried. Similarly coupled, her older sibling has a baby due when mine does. We are uniquely paralleled. We both feel the pressure from all around us; from in the family, close acquaintances, and friends.

Being single is viewed as a disease, and to be pitied.

I often catch myself correcting old behavior of heaving spite and ill-will. For instance, I want to tell everyone who condescends my singularity that I hope they enjoy their divorce and misguided unhappiness. I hope their children grow up to loathe them because of their lack of ability and sheer ignorance. I hope they try to remarry and end up taking advantage of someone more innocent than them in an attempt to feel better about themselves. And so that, in their mentally crippled and physically demeaned later years, they might relive their past and drown in regret and sorrow so violent and spine-wrenchingly sharp that they can't even work up the nerve to commit suicide.

I try not to hate any more. And I actually find that it's much harder to do now, which is truly a blessing. I spent a lot of my life in fury. Its a very misguided emotion. I knew someone that claimed they believed hate was as powerful as love, but thats simply wrong. Think about it.

So. I am still single, and I am praying as often as I think of. For whoever she is, that she'll be happy, that she'll be safe. It doesn't ever stop my.. worry. I worry that I'll never know who she is, or that some stroke of fate denied her to me. Maybe God sent the helicopter, and the ship, but somehow I accidentally chose to drown instead.
It is very difficult being as old as I am, being alone as I am.
What if I have to wait until I'm 35? I'm sure I'll make innumerable bad decisions and sinful indulgences before then. But hopefully something with stave me off and protect me. I don't know what it'll take to do that. I really need to pray more. The prayer bracelet that I got for just that purpose didn't work out perfectly like I'd liked.

What kind of person am I to someone else?
Obvious:
I am 5'11, blond haired, blue eyed. I am slim. I am quiet. I teach children. I have a so-so fashion sense. I take care of myself, and I am fairly well off.
More intimately:
I am peculiar in taste and style. I love fiercely. I am loyal. I am stoic. I can finally admit when I'm wrong. I am confident, and prideful. I am a dreamer and ephemeral philosopher. I am future minded. I know what I like. I understand myself uncannily well. I am very vulnerable in many areas. I am open-minded.

How do you go about.. marketing yourself to someone. Hi, would you like to live on a farm, bear me children, and love me forever? I'll protect you, love you forever, be your friend, take care of our children, work tirelessly for our mutual well being and that of our offspring.
How is this supposed to work. Maybe I need help, as much as I would hate to admit that.

I want to be poor.

Legend of Zelda Ocarina of Time: Song of Storms

lamentation

my brain is so fried. Almost all of the time.

I am so busy during the week I only have a few hours to myself each day. That is usually spent unwinding by either reading, playing a game, or watching T.V.

All of my friends are busy too, only in different ways. I don't really have anyone that I "talk to" a lot. I don't text or get texts except out of necessity and having a conversation outside of the weekends actually feels irregular.

I spend all day speaking in front of students. I am actually a very quiet person, and all this communication has caused me to get my words backwards and my tongue tied a lot. Essentially, I stutter.
Because my brain has to go nonstop from 8 AM to 3 PM my mind oftentimes gets ahead of my mouth, and so I repeat the beginnings of sentences two or three times before the rest comes out.
"ok.. ok... ok now you can start your quiz." "And this... and this is why that is true"

I also participate in extra curricular activities at school. I assistant direct, but it requires a full-time commitment. That is an extra two hours essentially, most days of the week.

Today specifically, which is why I write this, I arrived at school at 6:30 and had an altered schedule due to teacher meetings which took up 75% of my planning time that is critical for me since it is my first time teaching. My last class ended precisely at 3:00, I then had bus duty in the gym until 4:05, and then (I was late to) play practice until 5:30.
Seeing as I had no planning, I literally had nothing ready for the following day. I came close to calling in a substitute or something just to give myself a day off to not be trampled.
Instead, I got take-out asian food, brought it home, and have eaten it while trying to find some semblance of a not-awful lesson for twelve year olds.

I realize this is little more than complaining. But I really need to say it, preferably somewhere little to no one will see it except for myself. I do all of this because I frequently come back and read these posts when I can reflect properly or be more analytical. I also like putting up songs that suit my current mood.
(this time it is Rage against the machine: sleep now in the fire)

Most of all, I miss the relative intimacy of friendships. I don't see many people any more, and I DO NOT speak to many people any more. That is really just the way it is, not because I avoid it, but I don't have time, etc.