I wouldn't like me, if I met me.

This blog will center around two analogies.

I will do my best not to ramble. I aim to stay on track, present my thoughts in an organized and logical sequence, and end it at an appropriate length.

The first is the comparison of intellection to mental health, and how I am interacting with them.

I feel that throughout my educational experience I was simply listening to information, processing it briefly, and then forgetting the majority of it. However, recently it appears that every little thing sticks. As I teach class I remember the large majority of the information I have to teach, even if it is from my previous placement, and even minor details. So I have come to a relative conclusion that this retention comes from my age and my maturity. I have reached a sort of mindset that allows for active and successful … learning.

I compare and directly apply this to my mental health.

I used to have difficulty maintaining proper cognitive wellbeing. Throughout school, I would provide these temporary fixes that coincide with my brief processing and then forgetting of knowledge-based information. My temporary fix for mental struggles would revolve around establishing what I thought was my answer and then relying upon it exclusively. Naturally, I would have reached either some skewed or misguided conclusion that wouldn’t provide any long lasting stability.

However, lately my endeavors for meditation and philosophy have been having more profound effects upon my psyche. I feel better. I feel healthier emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually.

The second analogy is a comparison of how society views social interactions (specifically relationships) and religion (more specifically how people view their relationship with God).

So, society views relationships in a strange way. We are taught how to interact with the opposite sex. We are taught that men do this, women do that, and if the other gender isn’t doing X then they want/mean Y. Ultimately, we have expectations. Similarly, we follow guidelines for how we think about relationships. I see often that women will throw away everything in order to stay in a state of abuse. There are numerable psychological reasons for this that I won’t bother getting into. Also, men waste time and do things with and in relationships that similarly promotes a cycle of bad relationships. And so ultimately the way we view relationships, get into relationships, and how we interact within relationships 

is all decided by society.

How I apply this to religion is less direct.

There are also different ways that this can be carried out. For instance it can be taught, church X may have lots of sermons about the power of the devil, and as a consequence, the congregation may begin to assume that anything bad comes from the devil. This leads the Christian to ignore the fact that God puts us in our situations and that tribulation and for survival and growth. Also, I get the feeling that a lot of Christians lose sight of the little workings of God that can oftentimes be major. I’ve seen God at times when I felt like I had been betrayed because I was denied something I really want. By that, I mean that I soon after realized that God had been doing something for me in those times, and it was far better for it.

We as humans, and I’ll often feel like myself especially, will be very down on ourselves, our world, and God. I wrote a blog or two ago about how we as humans so often feel like we deserve something, we want a specific outcome and if we are denied it we feel cheated. I can’t imagine that this behavior is anything other than negative; humans’ base nature is selfish though and so that is as unavoidable as sin.

I guess this blog is a little bit of a rant, because I have a lot of confidence in humanity at times. Or maybe hope is a better word.

Hope runs the entirety of my existence.

A song to send us off: Radiohead: Lotus Flower (I love how weird Thom Yorke is)

Give me my wings

We, as humans, feel like we deserve things.

Often, we really only feel like we deserve something good. While similarly we know that we deserve something bad. I think this reflects the Christian virtues of self-control and moderation.
We rarely legitimately know that we deserve something good, but instead hope for it. As opposed to when we are certain we have sinned and are suffering at the hands of our own transgressions.

That was simply a deviation that my mind pursued while I considered the more specific implications of my first statement.



Out of a Christian context, people think they deserve so much. We aspire to glory and fame, we believe our actions warrant just reward. We have an entire Judicial system based around these principles. People sue because they were injured, or were denied child support, etc. Similarly, we give rewards for the donation of plasma (Not that I am against this). People inherently do not like giving up things they own, or being refused things they want to own.
People are selfish. There is no denying that.
It is sickening to watch sometimes. It can destroy people. It can destroy oneself or someone can destroy others. And I mean 'destroy' in the most intense and powerful way it can be expressed, because self-seeking can do that.

I really want to tangent there, so I may briefly. No, I won't. I might save it for another blog. But I will say, however, that sometimes someone's selfishness can destroy someone else, and in doing so, witnessing it can harm someone entirely separate (their opinion or relationship with either destroyer or destroyed)


I understand that God's glory and humanity's true reward lies in heaven. This is going to appear on the surface as a lamentation, but it is more of a meditation.

How to begin...
God created humanity. We live our lives to glorify God. Yet we are supposed to live this life. Why are we made to live this life? I think I understand the importance of the choice, decision, and devotion, etc.

But I also believe that we, as humans, have the capacity to enjoy this life.
By this I do not mean enjoy life as a non-believer would, indulgent and carnal. But true joy found in the beauty of the world.
So we have the capacity, and I believe that God would not create this capacity (or give us the desire) to be happy without a means to fulfill it.

Now.. I think this next part could be misinterpreted, by a reader or most certainly by myself while I write it. I'll try and be careful.
The way to achieve this happiness that we are capable of having is through God. By seeking through other means, people lose sight of what the true happiness is. Our own will perverts our actions and thoughts so quickly. (A dilemma in and of itself is knowing if we are seeking through God or not, since we cannot truly know). But we must keep our focus on God, His will, and what is right.

So, stay on God's path. That requires a lot of denial that completely puts following our own (more corporeal) desires out of the picture. But we still have the sense of desire for things like love and contentedness, or even efficacy. I, again, believe that we are created with this desire and that it is not put there without reason.
So, ( a third reiteration), we have this desire -> this desire is good and God put it there -> it can be fulfilled as long as we seek it through God.

I find that herein lies a dilemma for a lot of Christians. Seeking things through God requires sacrifice and ... basically subservience. I don't mean that in a negative fashion in the least. Maybe devotion is a better word. Sacrifice and devotion.

These two things, sacrifice and devotion, breed a sense of.. justification? As in, "Well, I am sacrificing, I deserve X" or "I am devoted, I deserve X".
So in a way, Christians can often feel like they deserve things in the exact way other people do. I did this good thing, I deserve that. I didn't do this bad thing, I deserve that.
So all of the world has this dilemma, Christians may refine it into something else, but that doesn't mean it isn't there. In ways, it can be worse. Because Christians can justify their selfishness in that way. When I dwell too deeply on it, I become rather despondent.

I guess I'll leave that discussion alone for now. There isn't much there that hasn't been said before, or isn't observable to any person.


It is kind of funny because I didn't want to make this one really long intricate question, because what is the point of that? And I didn't want to pretend like I had some kind of answer, because I don't.
And I thought about saying, "Well I'm no teacher", which is comical because I am literally sitting at my desk at CHS. It turns out that Cleveland has free wifi and that this blogging website isn't blocked.
So we have an hour and a half for planning, and nothing legitimate to do this early on in my placement. So I have spent it philosophizing, which it turns out is a real word.
And I disproved my recent theory that it takes me hours to write a blog with any sort of sustenance, because this one has taken me less than half an hour, and I feel like it has relative quality. (Ok maybe its been like an hour)

To end this, I'll link the song that kind of sent me on this mental marauding.
Oddly enough, its a Tool song. (I am at school so I can't see if this is a good youtube video or not since it is blocked.) (I have used far FAR too many parentheses in this blog, forgive my abuse of our beautiful language).
10,000 Days (Wings pt. 2)