Serious in-depth self analysis is one of the scariest things someone can do.
For me, it isn't so much as you see things you don't like as it is I see things that I fear. Analytical appraisal of one's self can provide knowledge and understanding. This is invaluable. However, this wisdom often comes only in small bits, rarely all at once, and sometimes rather convoluted.
I'd like to imagine that I understand myself fairly well, I spend a lot of my time thinking and assessing my thoughts and actions. Yet I still find that I am rather unexplainable, perhaps what I mean by this is that I can't ever properly voice my thoughts.
I just took a five or so hour hiatus in order to work on my resume, take a nap, shower, and eat a second breakfast.
To continue briefly on my previous sentiments, I have been doing a form of self-analysis that I haven't before. I am talking a lot with other people and empathetically analyzing with them. And once or twice I have projected the analysis I am doing with them onto myself, and the results were mystifying. An example: I was thinking about how people can misconstrue what a relationship is, or means, prior to being in one. Let me rephrase that, people will want something for the wrong reasons, or at least not entirely think it through. When I put that lens onto myself, I realized some startling things that I didn't want to explore much further.
Self-evaluation can lead to knowledge, but it can also deceive. Perhaps it is a tool, but in that regard, it could be dangerous. We as humans are finite, and cannot know everything. Often, during reflection, I'll think I have it figured out, when in reality I do not.
All being said, I continue to stumble along the dark edge of insanity that is understanding.
Not understanding is very frustrating. Being confused or unsure is one of the worst dilemmas a human can entertain.
I'm not even talking about confusing yourself, like I was throughout the rest of this blog.
I mean how we, as humans, confuse each other.
A lot, if not all of it, stems from selfish dishonesty. We hide our feelings or our intents from each other in order to preserve some sense of power, in a way. Because anyone that understands our motivations holds authority over us. It may not be to the extent that someone holds authority, as much as we lose our own authority; we become weaker.
Once people enter a state of trust, or some other similar social contract, then they can achieve a rapport founded on confidence. This provides for less senses of confusion and misunderstanding. Especially when that honesty continues into further dialogue and explanation.
I've always wished people would trust each other.
But I also spent all of my life not trusting anyone besides myself.
Its hard putting your trust in someone. Because people are people, and people fail. It is a fact. And it really has to be taken into account for most everything.
How often have we as humans put our deepest trust into another individual only to have it betrayed in some fashion, be it movements in the opposite direction, or a simple shaking of foundation. You may trust someone, but then they show that their trust was false.
People will do things for their own benefit, and that may often involve putting up a facade to establish a trusting relationship with another. Then, as soon as the costs outweigh the benefits of that relationship, the individual with move in another selfish direction that is contrary to the previously established trust. It is a vile process, and I see it every day. I will cynically, and often falsely, think I see it in others' relationships. But luckily this is not always the case, because my interpretations are often wrong.
The other form of breaking of trust i went into, a shaking of foundation, can be just as bad as being stabbed in the back.
There have been times when I have a form of trust in a person that is more along the lines of a deep friendship. (Let me preface this by saying that it may be that I simply put other people on pedestals or have skewed interpretations of who people are).
Sometimes you'll have a friend that just lets you down by letting themselves down. I went through it time and time again in so so many ways with my friends from high school.
Examples:
-I've always gone to church, as I made new friends I would sometimes hang out at their church, or they at mine. Slowly, steadily, and consistently they all stopped going to church. Or even worse, I came into realization that they hadn't been Christians to begin with, at least in the sense of how they lead their lives.
-All of my old friends save for one now smoke pot.
-They all also enjoy abusing alcohol.
-I think I may be the only person out of my entire original friend group that is still a virgin.
This blog has derailed into a stream of complaints. And for that I apologize.
People don't apologize enough.
Let me think of a way to fix it.
I guess the best way may be to end it.
Apparently writing a blog can sometimes take an entire Sunday. It wasn't that I had a lot to say, but rather that I had a lot of distractions and little motivation to truly write.
At least, that is what I have decided it was. Who knows.
Let me think of a good song...
Its no wonder video games dominated my adolescence when they're as masterfully done as they can be. This opening music, Time's Scar, from Chrono Cross, is one of the best pieces of music in a video game ever.
But, for a certainty, back then,
We loved so many, yet hated so much.
We hurt others, and were hurt ourselves...
Yet even then, we ran like the wind.
Whilst our laughter echoed,
Under cerulean skies...
